i am an incurable and nothing else behaves like me.

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Thursday morning motivation

My mind is focused on the good, the upcoming:

  • in 4 days, Austin and I will celebrate our one year anniversary (!!!)
  • in 1 week, Marin will be back in my life for a weekend
  • in 1.5 weeks, Isabelle will come to visit again
  • in 23 days, I will be swaying to the breeze with friends in O’ahu

I still have a bunch of things to do, of course, but I can barely contain my excitement because:

  • It’ll be so nice to have two of my closest friends ever by my side again; it sure beats Skype attempts and lagging texts/gchats
  • I’m really surprised about how far Austin and I have come as partners, honestly.  
  • I have been wanting to visit Hawaii ever since I first saw the A Very Brady Sequel in the 90’s (I know, you’re thinking that movie?!, but it’s THE TRUTH)
  • I get the chance to bask in beautiful scenery
  • My friends are getting married!  They are the cutest and funniest thing ever, and it is such an honor to witness them get #hitched4life

Also, I’m not going to lie but I went ape-shit bargain hunting for cute and cheap bikinis and I am so excited to wear these suckers and just LOUNGEEEE.  

Get me out of my cubicle, NOW.

I’m starting to get really anxious about my future.  Usually, some ice cream or some pie or a pint of beer would calm me down but this is the most unsettled I’ve felt thus far.  

Today, I

  • returned a too-large bikini top to ASOS
  • bought a Valentine’s Day card for the boo face
  • bought a birthday card for the boo face
  • wrote Valentine’s Day haiku
  • wrote Birthday message/song/haiku 
  • paid phone bill
  • processed cases
  • realized that I do like my hair cut this way
  • bought a Valentine’s Edible Arrangements thing for my parents
  • paid my outstanding balance (BULLSHIT) at my old PCP’s office
  • emailed Michael about his upcoming visit
  • walked 2.5 miles
  • drank 1 cup coffee
  • drank 4 glasses, water
  • received my emerald green dress from the cleaner
  • am excited to see the boo face tonight
  • am excited to go to yoga tonight
  • am excited to cook noodles for dinner tonight
  • am excited for this upcoming 3-day weekend!


glanced at the bright world below us from Jay’s roof, cups of Chardonnay at hand.  It was bitterly cold up there even though I finished what was to be my fourth cup of the night.  Perhaps it would have always been cold for someone in sheer tights and a jersey skirt, but it was irrelevant because the evening was beautiful.  The night we were having was perfect- we ate the comfort food we industriously labored on all afternoon, watched her soar through multiple levels of Flappy Bird, drank delicious (albeit bougie) lattes, walked around the Lower Haight and Mission areas, listened to Austin and Jay sing Party Face tracks in Jay’s lovely and unassuming room.  But on this roof, we talked for a while about the things that clung to us more persistently: the fears, the hopes, the reliefs.  Somehow, we were miles away from the men and their chess strategies and coding agonies and domain names and the buoyant things that she and I used to pass around as small talk.

She hid her face underneath the infinite layers of her wrap-around scarf. Despite her allergies to the cold, she braved the balmy temperature to see the skyline that we all wanted so badly to see.  I realized then that I never considered myself a good Ate to her because she’s always been better than me.  Nicer.  Smarter.  More independent.  More dependable.  More driven.  More capable.  And this intimidating comparison, coupled with my insecurities that still persistently plague me, was why I pushed her away.  I’ve been an asshat for not being a better person for her.  She gives so much to people all the time and I couldn’t spare to give her a couple catch ups or dinners or sincere talks.

When we finally left that rooftop to race for the bathrooms, I resolved to be a better person to her.  I’m incredibly happy that I get to see her every week now.  She makes all of us laugh and feel at ease.  We’re going to Big Sur together in a couple of months, yoga in a couple of weekdays, dinner in a couple of nights.  She indulges my requests to make the most ridiculous feast that I could come up despite the strict time restraints and helps me make it happen.  She’s clumsy but she’s perceptive.  She’s so much more, and I’m thankful I get a front seat to see what big things are coming her way and how much growth she has left in this part of her life.

Maybe I wasn’t a good Ate to her before, but I sure as hell can’t wait to be here for her now.


The transit map Theodore Twombly would have used to get around L.A.’s subway system of 2020-something.
[Graphic: Geoff McFetridge and Untitled Rick Howard Company LLC]

I can’t get enough of this movie.  Seriously.


The transit map Theodore Twombly would have used to get around L.A.’s subway system of 2020-something.

[Graphic: Geoff McFetridge and Untitled Rick Howard Company LLC]

I can’t get enough of this movie.  Seriously.

(via theatlantic)

I was feeling really shitty and felt like crying then I went on tumblr and one look at my dashboard made me feel so much joy that I totally got over whatever it was that made me want to feel sorry for myself in the first place.

LONG LIVE TUMBLR.  I love you and I will not abandon you anymore.


Some Instants from New Year’s 

Aaron Stewart, everybody.  What a talent.

I feel numb because I finally found the root of all my fears and anxieties: I am afraid of death more than anyone should normally be.

Honorary mention: prison.